The burly, taciturn New York City cop, looked over at his most famous prisoner on Riker’s Island with blithe disdain, “Hey, DSK, see that pay phone ovah thar, yeh got ten minutes.”
Dominque Strauss-Kahn, stands up, feeling a bit dizzy from lack of sleep and the fall from world leader to common perp. He dials slowly from a crinkled card in his wallet. “Hello, hello, is ‘zis Kobe? Kobe Bryant?”
Kobe: Man, it’s four in the morning, who the hell is this.
DSK: Dominique, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, we met last summer in St. Tropez at Mick’s place.
Kobe: Oh yeah … right … guess you’re having a bad day. Heck and I thought being swept by the Mavs was bad.
DSK: Pardon moi, “Swept by the Mavs?”
Kobe: Never mind. What can I do for you Dom?
DSK: Well how do I get out of ‘zis mess,
Kobe: You’re in a mess alright, Dude, what were you thinking?
DSK: I know, I know, Très stupide”.
Kobe: Next time try a little of that French, “savoir faire”, or whatever you call it. At least offer her some champagne … I could send you a bottle of some good California Champagne.
DSK: That’s not Champagne, it’s sparkling wine!
Kobe: What?
DSK: Kobe, listen! My dear friend”, with tears filling his eyes, I will not survive 5 minutes, let alone 5 years in a New York jail. Oh, mon dieu. C’est tout perdu.
Kobe: Alright calm down, Dom this is what you gotta do:
First you must get yourself a woman attorney, someone who commands respect. And no trying to put the moves on her! A dirt ball like you (oops, sorry Dom) needs a lady at his side in times like these. Call my friend, Stacey Richman, who represents Lil’ Wayne.
DSK: Lillie Wayne?
Kobe: No … “Lil’….forget it. Anyway, If Stacey’s busy call my savior Pamela Mackey or in New York, I hear Judy Livingston gets its done.
Second, find out everything you can about this woman … who “claims” you assaulted her. I mean everything, from her birth to yesterday. Everything, particularly anything about her boyfriends, husband, … anything. You get the idea. You’re a smart guy, you bailed out all of Greece and Portugal. You have to take the smallest piece of dirt and make it into a mud slide. And of course, then leak the bad stuff to the press so they can take credit for “excellent journalistic skills”. And, if you can’t find out anything about her, try her family and friends. Dom, everyone has some dirty laundry.
Third, get some cash together, lots of cash. You may need to pay this gal of yours.
DSK: She’s not my gal, In France we always jump naked out of our bathrooms. It is how we get dressed.
Kobe: Well whatever she is to your sleazy mind, you are going to need to offer her not one, but two suitcases filled with cash, to have her conclude and tell the prosecutors and the world, “I’m sorry, I changed my mind. Mr. Strauss-Kahn was a perfectly charming, gracious man and I am sorry for what I have put him, his lovely family through these past months.”
DSK: You’re right Kobe, it sure is going to take a lot of Euros (which I helped create) for her to say that.
As the New York City cop begins fidgeting and signals with a commanding arm, time is up, Dominque Strauss-Kahn, looking even more bewildered and forlorn, and says plaintively into the phone, “Kobe will it work? Can I ever become President of my beloved France”.
Kobe: “Well, Dom, it sure looks bad, but hey, think of my case, I was a famous, rich, black man in Colorado accused of raping a wholesome blonde white girl. Anything is possible. You could try changing your number… do politicians have numbers? Whatever, Peace.”
** The C.O. apologizes if this effort at comedy offends any of our readers. We take very seriously the nature of this crime and have the utmost respect and sympathy for all victims of sexual assault and violence to women. We also respect DSK’s right to a defense and the presumption of innocence to which all criminal defendants are entitled.